Theres only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin, There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin, The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, Honesty may be the best policy, but its important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George Carlin. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, Hyperion, There is a mistake in the text of this quote. It's been here over four billion years . He had an uncanny ability to cut through the clutter of everyday life, and for this, we want to honor this man with our favorite inspirational quotes from George Carlin. The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. "Read my lips," and "Make my day." And Im like, no. I mean, life is tough. Enjoy! Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. Where are the assassins when we really need them? ", Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Comedian George Carlin had some interesting things to say about death, and his quotes provide some much-needed insight into this taboo topic. You don't. He didnt just make people laugh. Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, Most people work just hard enough not to get firedand get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. George Carlin, If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. George Carlin, Theres no present. Getting conceived had been hard enough. It just becomes something more entertaining. I call him Governor Bush because thats the only political office hes ever held legally in this country. I mean, life is tough. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity., Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?, That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it., May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house., Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups., There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. WebHere are some of our favorite George Carlin quotes on politics. and so very appropriate post 9-11. January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. And then it was like, this is not my job. Carlin's performances were often rants against authority and censorship; his "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" routine became a classic. Im tired of this shit. George Carlin, Never argue with an idiot. Property is theft. This marriage had gone south long before. George Carlin Used Comedy To Preach His Views We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. You can read more about it and change your preferences, Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. Welcome back. Copyright 2009 by George's Stuff. ', I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. Try spelling Evian backward., In America, anyone can become president. Showing 1-30 of 421 The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin tags: humor , insanity , lies , Nothing changed. He is a touchstone shared by the psychologist Steven Pinker, the rapper and actor Ice Cube and people on social media who equate the pandemic with George Orwell novels. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. And if somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. His first marriage ended disastrously when his first wife died of a heart attack not long after one of his beatings. Period. Deal with it. George Carlin, Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin, Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice? George Carlin, Were so self-important. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. Be happy with what you've got, because the owners of this country don't want that. The Strange Afterlife of George Carlin - The New York Times Meanwhile at Curley's Hotel on Beach 116th Street, Mary and Patrick Carlin starred in yet another doomed Catholic remake of Rhythm in the Sack. Carlin also didn't like the word "autobiography," but before his death in June 2008, Carlin spent more than 10 years working on a memoir, Last Words, with his longtime friend Tony Hendra. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever til the end of time! I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. LANGUAGE ADVISORY: There is language in this excerpt that some readers may find offensive. George Carlin, Meow means woof in cat. George Carlin, When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. Igor is a SEO specialist, designer, and freelance writer. On an almost daily basis, parts of Carlins routines rise to the surface of our discourse, and he is embraced by people who span the political spectrum they may rarely agree with each other, but they are certain that Carlin would agree with them. I felt it was important that people not use him to undermine what we needed to do to get through this virus, she said. I saw his show back when he was riffing on "Stuff'" and the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". Some are funny, some are insightful, but theyre all packed with his typical brutal honesty. Theres only the immediate future and the recent past., Electricity is really just organized lightning., If you cant beat them, arrange to have them beaten., When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foots hands., Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time., Let a smile be your umbrella, and youll end up with a face full of rain., My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. In his final book, the posthumously published Last Words, Carlin said about The George Carlin Show, "I had a great time. I never laughed so much, so often, so hard as I did with cast members Alex Rocco, Chris Rich, Tony Starke. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends, George Carlin (2002). ', Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!". But don't participate; it will be your death. Did Dave Chappelle do that for everybody? Something is definitely wrong. Others see it half empty. In the closing monologue from a recent episode of his HBO talk show, Bill Maher cataloged a series of social conditions that he suggested were hampering stand-up comedy and imperiling free speech: cancel culture, a perceived increase of sensitivity on college campuses, and Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars. That leftist bent was unmistakable in Carlins standup, too: He railed against police violence, championed prison reform and environmentalism and condemned organized religion. But He loves you. We havent tried that for a while. ', By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth., I put a dollar in a change machine. You got to stay optimistic with people like that. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. ', Not only do I not know whats going on, I wouldnt know what to do about it if I did., People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think., A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff., Basically just storage for all the stuff you buy but don't need /j, Careful, if you think too much, theyll take you away.. The people are fucked. George Carlin, Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. Ooops! And in 2017, And 30 People Deliver Sincere Answers, "You Are So Beaut-OHGOD! Press Enter / Return to begin your search. Ohhh this one made me laugh loud enough to wake up the dog. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says. Kelly Carlin said her father always took the stand that more speech is better than less speech and would have supported Chappelles right to perform the special. A lack of familiarity with Carlins words, his history and his values can lead to misapprehension when his arguments are stretched to fit present-day conditions he didnt live to see. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. . 70 Wise Quotes From George Carlin George Carlin is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author. 70 Wise Quotes From George Carlin | Inspirationfeed Carlin was a New York City-based stand-up comedian, social critic, writer, and actor, best known for his unconventional and vulgar comedy routines. Ok": Employee Leaves Work During An Emergency Because Manager Wouldn't Approve His Overtime, I Was Baffled: Argument Ensues After Friends Said Man Cant Take His 5-Year-Old Daughter On Their Annual Fishing Trip, Couple's Plan To Outwit Another Passenger Before Takeoff Backfires As The Stranger Ends Up With A Whole Free Row In Return, "A Monkey Could Do Your Job": Karen Manager Orders Employee To Print A Video File, Gets Fired, Boss Believes That Employee Is Not Doing Her Duties While Working From Home, Calls Her Out As She Can Be Offline For Up To An Hour, 50 Photos Of People Who Are Having A Worse Day At Work Than You (New Pics), MIL Decided To Wear White To Son's Wedding, So The Bride Made Every Bridesmaid Wear White While She Wore Pink, 40 Genius Tattoos That Reveal All Their Glory Only After Their Canvases Move, New Landlord Demands Tenants Restore The Garden To Its Original State, Loses It When He Sees It's Now Just A Patch Of Dirt, 35 Life-Saving Tips That Arent Hard To Remember But Might Come In Handy When You Least Expect It, As Told By Our Community, Boss Insists Employees Work Until The Last Minute, Gets Exactly That As They Stop Responding After Hours And On The Weekends, 30 Parents Who Don't Really Like Their Own Children Explain Why, Hey Pandas, Whats An Unspoken Rule That You Have In Your Family? January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University. He had a pure disdain and loathing for white men in America.. Soon enough youll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family., Most people with low self-esteem have earned it., If you cant say something nice about a person, go ahead.. We respect your privacy. Wed love your help. Theres something about his righteous aggravation its a rare point of view, and its rare that its a natural point of view, said Marc Maron, the comedian and podcaster. Don't look for it. Carlin, the cantankerous, longhaired sage who used his withering insight and gleefully profane vocabulary to take aim at American hypocrisy, died in 2008. George Carlin One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. We're goin' away. Be the first to learn about new releases! Kelly Carlin said her father was 99 percent progressive and that he raised her in a manner that today might be contemptuously dismissed as woke. Goodreads helps you follow your favorite authors. His wit remains a vivid memory thanks to the many Best Of George Carlin videos on YouTube that also give younger generations the opportunity to know him. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. I was a loner as a child. They own, and control the corporations. It will be Nike sneakers and smiley shirts George Carlin, I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. George Carlin, I dont like ass kissers, flag wavers, or team players. Hey Pandas, What Is Something That Happened In Your Life That You Wish Happened Again? During his 50-year career, irreverent comedian George Carlin stood in front of his audiences, questioning, condemning, and cutting through what he called "middle class crap." I see a glass thats twice as big as it needs to be. George Carlin, How come when its us, its an abortion, and when its a chicken, its an omelette? George Carlin, Laugh often, long and loud. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. There is a line (queue). We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. That approach gave Carlins comedy a longevity that not even the work of his esteemed predecessor Lenny Bruce has attained. 10. Everything He ever makesdies. George Carlin, The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity., Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit., May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house., I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose., If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?, No no self-respecting cat would say that. Deal with it., People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. WebGeorge Carlin Quotes on Death & Dying (4 Quotes) Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. When he died, no one else could say they spoke on his behalf. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions., I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it His fans include Joe Rogan and Jim Gaffigan. George Carlin. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?, Im happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in., There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls., When I ask how old your toddler is, I dont need to hear 27 months. Hes two will do just fine. Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate We earn from qualifying purchases. There is nothing wrong with the planet. WebGeorge Carlin Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Then your an a*****e. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?. Quotes are added by the Goodreads community and are not verified by Goodreads. On other modern-day topics in which George Carlin surely would have had an incendiary but clarifying take on the Trump and Biden presidencies, social media, Elon Musk or the Marvel Cinematic Universe no matter how much we might wish to know his thoughts, he remains frustratingly out of reach. Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" WebGeorge Carlin > Quotes (?) (My older brother, Patrick, can't say the same.) I took his shoes. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Clearly not., Even so, Kelly Carlin said, is it dangerous when a culture wants to shut people down for speech? He had a history of heart problems and had suffered three heart attacks. George Carlin Quotes Sometimes, all you have to do is get up in the morning. Quotes I just dont have as many people who believe it., Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. What do you get at the end of it? This comment is hidden. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Bravo/NBCUPB George Carlin A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death., I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me theyre cramming for their final exam., Some people see the glass half full. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. My mother told me that my father hit her only once. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. His critical thinking shines on stage and opens your eyes to modern-day problems that most folks are oblivious to. Nothing left. Every day we present the best quotes! About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact Us, www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes, www.quotes.thefamouspeople.com/george-carlin-1484.php, www.everydaypower.com/george-carlin-quotes, 21 George Carlin Quotes On Government And Politics, Top 30 Benjamin Franklin Autobiography Quotes That Will Change Your Life, Christmas Quotes For Mothers To Make Her Day, These 10 Quotes About Best Friend Love Are Perfect For Showing Your True Colors, 118+ Inspiring Christmas Quotes For Instagram That Will Bring A Warm Glow To Your Holiday Season, Mourning Your Dogs Death With Quotes From Rainbow Bridge, 15+ Rumi Quotes On Happiness That Will Boost Your Mood, These Rumi Quotes About Depression Will Bring You Comfort. My favorite joke from him is, "They say that quitting smoking will add 10 years to your life. Brain Droppings, Hyperion. He is a sucker for good coffee, Indian food, and video games. Are these people kidding? Aggravation is not always funny., And Carlins routines, particularly from his splenetic, late-period specials, have hardly lost their punch. But it's really a bizarre activity. What if I want to have a crappy day?, "That'd be easy. CreditIllustration by Edmon de Haro; Mark Junge/Getty Images. George Carlin Quotes - BrainyQuote Deal with it. George Carlin, One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like. George Carlin, A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin, I dont have pet peeves I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. George Carlin, Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. Top 16 George Carlin Religious Quotes in 2023 - QuotesGeeks Saimonas is a list curator at Bored Panda with BA in Multimedia. He always seemed filled with empathy.. You know people say things like, You know I lost my father? Ah, hell turn up. "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. Its what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. George Carlin Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together He said he hoped for an afterlife where he could watch society crumble around us in his new life as a dead man! I had an imaginary friend. ' Avoid teams at all costs. Maybe this time itll work. George Carlin, Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointedidealist. George Carlin, Never argue with an idiot. That fight was already won, Maron said. Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin, Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that. George Carlin, The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away. Mark Goff/Bettmann Archive, via Getty Images, was shown on a recent broadcast of the MSNBC program 11th Hour., He despised euphemism and the policing of language, a routine from his 1999 special, You Are All Diseased,, which was criticized as transphobic and prompted walkouts at Netflix. He always needs money! Enjoy! George Carlin on Saturday Night Live in 1975. 0. If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? . . Weve addedyearstolifenotlife to years. George Carlin, Heres a bumper sticker Id like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whos self-esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. George Carlin, Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? George Carlin, Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Everybody's going to save something now. 19 Haunting Pictures That Showcase How The Most Beautiful Places Can Change After Being Abandoned, 30 Y.O. God has a three-day weekend., People are wonderful one at a time. Thank you for taking the time to share your feedback with us! The challenge is to find it. Fueled by her love for oversized hoodies, weightlifting, Girl in Red, and Arcane, this exuberant Italian tries her best to bring some fun energy to Bored Panda's content. George Carlin Quotes I think the life cycle is all backwards. Laugh until you gasp for breath., Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Maybe this time itll work.. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning., Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?, I have lots of ideas. Excerpted with permission by Free Press, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away. 2. You get kicked out when youre too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. George Carlin Quotes Teach them to question everything. 3. Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. The people are fucked., Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. You Believe George Carlin The continuing relevance of Carlins material is partly a result of how he learned to compose and refine it over a career that spanned nearly 50 years. Over time, though, his success grew. In America, anyone can become president. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. George Carlin Anyone can read what you share. Please dont forget to subscribe to ourRSS-feedor followInspirationfeedonTwitter,Google+,andFacebook! Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. George Carlin, How is it possible to have a civil war? George Carlin, Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. George Carlin Quotes About Death | A-Z Quotes I mean, it doesn't hurt to try ;), Thats why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it., War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die., Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.. He got into comedy in 1960 when he started working with Jack Burns, who soon became his writing partner and best friend. It takes up a lot of your time. Continue with Recommended Cookies. 60+ Hilarious George Carlin Quotes and Jokes | Thought Catalog Its a natural part of life, but it can be difficult to deal with when someone close to us dies. Weve also included some of his sketches from YouTube, viral videos of jokes you might have heard once or twice before. It will not be with jack-boots. Please check link and try again. Saimonas has mainly worked as a freelance graphic designer, illustrator and finds joy in anything related to visual arts. Teach them to question what they read. Nothing changed., Its never just a game when youre winning., Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck., One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like., Why is it that most people who are against abortion are people you wouldnt want to f**k in the first place?. Death is caused by swallowing small Thats the problem. George Carlin, I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin, Governments dont want a population capable of critical thinking; theywant obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. George Carlin, How can He be perfect? We use a lot of euphemisms when we talk about death. He loves you, and He needs money! He was a master of observational humor and his take on death was both hilarious and thought-provoking. The two of them were crazy about one another. He talked about things that could be considered controversial, like politics and politicians, religion, drugs, and the demise of humanity. There is a mistake in the text of this quote. Teach them to question everything. This was when cable tv channels were limited and we didn't have the internet of course! Thats the problem., Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that.. And we won't leave much of a trace. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. 3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, p.193, Hachette UK, George Carlin (1998). Being considered as one of the top comedians of all time,George is well known for his black humor, political views, observations on language, psychology, and religion along with many other taboo subjects. So arrogant. . In this blog post, QuotesGeeks compiled some George Carlin Quotes about death that will make you cry, and question your own thoughts on the topic. ", Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. You have owners. Click here to view. He has written many books full of brutally honest sayings and jokes, like Brain Droppings, When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?, Last Words, and more. Whats that, a bonus? When controversy engulfed Dave Chappelles 2021 special The Closer, which was criticized as transphobic and prompted walkouts at Netflix, Carlins name was invoked, even though no one could be certain what position he might have taken: Would he have criticized Chappelle as intolerant or defended his right to express himself? Some are If they say, Were the So-and-Sos, take a walk. Their reconciliations were sudden because my father had a terrific line of bullshit. What gave him his potency, Gunderson said, was that he turned his standup into a call to action. Carlin, she said, taught everyone where to find the power that they have and encouraged them to use it.. Thats the problem. George Carlin, When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. Did you enjoy this article? It even sparked a legal case with the U.S. Supreme Court! Whereas George was always making things totally accessible., (Even in her fathers later years, Kelly Carlin said, if he had an idea for a topical joke, rather than put it in his act, he would share them with people like the broadcaster Keith Olbermann, who was then the host of Countdown on MSNBC.